ADVICE

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On the occasion one of my kids’ Godfathers finally entering fatherhood himself, the following advice for the future child was discussed:


  1. LSU is a great “Starter College.”
  2. All dirt roads lead to Louisiana Tech.
  3. Do not try to place objects on the train track while the train cars are actually passing.
  4. Look before you leap onto moving circa-1945 radar antennae 30 feet in the air above a metal ship deck. But if you don’t think you can jump back off, do not let this deter you.
  5. No matter how much you drink, you are not a “coon dawg” or a “doe in heat.”
  6. LOW CRAWL!
  7. Get off the golf machine and put the Mardi Gras panties back on the moose head.
  8. Never, ever drop your own Flaming Doctor Pepper, at least not after consuming several Flaming Doctor Peppers,
  9. If one hand is holding a shot and the other hand is on fire, FIRST put out the fire THEN do the shot.
  10. Always run faster than your friends, especially in dark alleys near the New Orleans wharf.
  11. Tequila!
  12. If you wear a welding helmet, no one can tell you have a hangover.
  13. Each night, before you go to bed, check the refrigerator for cats.
  14. That is a luggage rack, not hand-rails for car surfing.
  15. Do not derive Maxwell’s Equation while drunk. Yes, “Don’t drink and derive.”
  16. Maxwell’s Silver Hammer is not really a kiddie song.
  17. You will eventually see “Uncle Billy” naked. Don’t stare and just pretend like everything is totally normal.
  18. If you see Daddy naked, just pick up his clothes and follow him until he passes out. Hopefully you will never see “Uncle Russ” or “Uncle Ed” naked.
  19. Most social occasions do require your clothing to remain on.
  20. It is not always proper to supply your own cutlery.
  21. Payphones are not punching bags.
  22. Always discuss getting together with your friends to go skydiving, canoeing, white water rafting, paint balling, etc., but never actually meet up.
  23. The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
  24. Entropy cancels hope.
  25. Antacids should not be eaten like candy. See a doctor.
  26. Electricity is not always your friend.
  27. It will feel better when it quits hurting.
  28. Gunpowder is not a recreational item.
  29. No matter what, do not try to catch your power tools.
  30. If you must lose a finger, lose a pinky.
  31. James’ Novocain Recipe: 1 White Russian, followed by 3 shots of 1 part Blue Curacao, 3 parts 151. Then to determine if you are bulletproof yet, slap your friend’s face while shouting “Novocain!”
  32. You are not bulletproof.
  33. To avoid choking (and parasites) pull the legs off your grasshopper before attempting to eat it.
  34. The hardened cheese on the inside of discarded pizza boxes is a good alternative source of calcium.
  35. If you have a telescope sun filter, just throw it away.
  36. Never substitute zero-delay engines with normal single-stage model rocket engines.
  37. Duck!
  38. Keep your potassium dry.
  39. “La Quinta” is not Spanish for “Next to Denny’s.”
  40. That’s not a bear; it’s just “Uncle Ed” snoring.
  41. Datsuns may be able to ride-up in a Jeep’s wake but they do not actually float.
  42. It is also not a good idea to open any doors until after the waterline is below said Datsun.
  43. Be careful, that raccoon is only stunned.
  44. A shop-vac is a perfectly reasonable tool for re-capturing escaped lab mice.
  45. You may get away with it once, but do not run the jet-boat over the tow-rope.
  46. With a clipboard and a confident attitude you can go anywhere you want.
  47. Never ask “Uncle Billy” where he got something. Plausible Deniability is important in legal matters.
  48. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
  49. Never ask “Uncle Ed” for a security reference.
  50. Do not take first-marriage advice from your uncles or dad, unless you are actually planning on just having a “starter marriage.”
  51. When you date/marry someone who is crazy, slutty, stupid, insanely jealous, etc. (and trust us, you will), make sure you introduce her to all your dad’s friends so we can remind you of her at every chance (preferable in front of your current crazy, slutty… girlfriend/fiancé/wife).
  52. We are not the salt of the earth; we are the salt in the wound.
  53. At each wedding acquire liberal libations and make sure you offer some to the priest before the ceremony.
  54. At each wedding if you require a “special usher” to stop or control specific unruly family members, make sure to provide the usher with current photos of said family members.
  55. It’s not a Louisiana wedding until the Best Man needs a tetanus-shot.
  56. It is also the Best Man’s prerogative to “lose the ring.”
  57. There was no fire.
  58. Klaatu barada nikto
  59. NOVACAIN!!!
  60. If you see a deer on the road, aim for the head. It will do less damage to your truck and bruise less of the meat.
  61. If you take the pelt from a raccoon, leave the feet on so that your customers won’t think you are trying to sell them dog meat.
  62. Consuming a bottle of Jager’ makes some people too paranoid to play Trivial Pursuit.
  63. Where more than two of the LSU friends are gathered together, there should be projectiles. (More than two OR Billy plus one)
  64. Relationships, especially those that could lead to paternity, should not be based solely on over consumption of alcohol.
  65. If you ask a bum in a New Orleans gutter if it is “safe” and he mumbles “you white…No,” then you should not stick around. (at this point, you should also reference #10)

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